Ombrophobia

"I don't understand," he said, "what are you afraid from the rain?"
"Everything--precisely, the thunderclaps, the lightning--the sound of the waterdrops on my roof, those wet windows--everything."

2 AM and half-awake

Its almost 2 AM and out of the blue, i remember lots of people who are so important to me.
We were never talk about separation. Even we are in the different spots from each other, even by thousand kilos, birthday and other necessary dates like new year or Eid would not be forgotten.
Except, separation.
I wondering, what will we be after ten years? After we got married and have own life to take care of?
Am i going to see them with white hair? Will i still be able to laugh and cry together over a television drama with them?
One of my precious person loves to play chess. I can totally imagine him playing chess in his small garden quietly. I can imagine the others busy cooking, and some of them would still loves to sipping a cup of black coffee. Only when the time come, they would like it more bitter. Or simply without any sugar.
And me?
I can imagine myself baking cookies and missing each one of them. Even when im thinking about it now, i feel ache in my heart,
Knowing that we would be never the same. Everything won't be back like this times. We will never look uglier and crazier, and lovelier than now.
We will never hug each other as tight as we can do now.

Untitled

And then, just like that,
The weak heart goes cold.

Righteous

"Why love can be so cruel?" He then asked me.
"It is not love that so cruel," i said, "It's you who was stupid."

Blah blah blah

If love can change into hate that easily, if love can make people to actually pretend to not knowing each other and be a pair of strangers again, then i think
.
Its really better to not love at all from the first.
.
Or to not knowing love from the beginning?

She doesn't love you

If i could tell you a secret, here;
She has never love you. She doesn't love you before, nor she does now, not even in the future.
She will not. And never will.
So now its up to you, wether you still want to hold her or simply,
Let her go.
Let her be free.

What If

What if
I only stay
And search for any possible reasons
To fill the gap between us

What if
I only stay
Just because
I am afraid to be left out

What if
I only stay
To learn how to be pretentious
And create fake emotion

What if
I stay
And realize
That i actually don't love you

What if

Expired Bread

Do we always found love in where it isn't supposed to be?
Why can't we choose love as we wanted, like if its popped out from the cookie jar and we're kinda expected it so its not surprising, which is better because it wont hurt?
Why does it always popped out of out nowhere, or in the middle of nowhere,
In anonymous places, in spots we don't really know well?
Why can't we just erase it and it would magically disappear with no hassle, no tears to waste, no time to overthink, and no unecessary movements?

For me, love is like an expired bread. Its fulfilled with fungus and smells funny. Its always coming without announcement.
Also, expired bread is always unwanted. By almost anyone.
Sometimes though, sometimes, some certain people still okay with the expired bread and cut the fungus parts. The good part without fungus is still there. Still could be eaten.
But for some others, there are always new bread, fresh from the oven in the store. So they wouldn't mind tossing the expired bread straight to the trash bin.

It goes the same with a person.
Since when the person could be so important?
Can we toss them out or should we keep them?
Why do we always found love in someone we'd never thought before?
Why do we always found love in where it isn't supposed to be?

Bitterly Okay

I'm curious
If i could
Ask you one thing

I would ask
If my existence is a nuisance
Or
If i ever, even once, irritated you

Eventough i know
You might lying
About it

You would
Say no
Though i am not quite sure
If its your honesty
Or it is
A polite answer
To make me feel bitterly okay

Clockwise

I need some time
To think
About this

Or else
I can't
See you
Anymore

Apprehensive

Even for ask simple questions
Like
"Are you okay?"
Or
"Is everything good?"

I don't have
Any guts
Anymore

Not as sweet as strawberry

What is it really mean to love?
Is it supposed to be passionate and fiery?
Or is it more like calm and warm?
How can you be sure that you are in love?
Is it someone whisper in your head, saying 'this is the one',
Or you don't even realize until it grows so strong within your heart?
Is it love?

Some people mistakenly interpret love to their own definition.
They used 'love' as an excuse to fulfill their loneliness.
Because they can't stand alone, it is.
They need someone, other person, by their side, and assume that its 'love'.
Then they start to fill their empty space with it. So they're not lonely anymore.
Is it love?
Or greed?
Or ego?

I've never been really falling in love. Even if i do, it is not love. Its more like, somekind of admiration. Kind of love that easily forgotten.

On the contrary belief, i would say that love supposed to be patient.
It does not bring harm. When some people hurt each other and still stay, it is not love anymore.
'Stay' doesn't always mean 'love'. It might mean 'lazy to search for someone else.' or 'lazy to start all-over again.' or 'afraid to be alone again'.

Love, is quiet.
Its like standing in a field full of flowers in the afternoon, on windy day.
Or like coming home and found a bed with fresh linen.
Or like having a cup of warm tea in the morning.
Or like sailing in a quiet ocean, knowing that your journey will be alright.

Love, is not a game of hide and seek. It does not running around when you want to catch it. It does not like riding on a roller coaster. It does not bring you to a forsaken up and down phases.

Love, is not when you try your best to make someone else happy.
Oppositely, someone else's happines is your only objective. No matter its because of you, or other people, or other things, if this someone is happy, then its enough for you.
That is, love, love.

Love, is not when you think that this someone has to be always with you. So you can protect them all the time.
However, if this someone need to be somewhere else doing something else with somebody else and this does not bother you,
That is love, love.

You dont have to torment yourself to think that you are not sad knowing the fact that perhaps someone you love, is not meant to be with you.
You can be sad,
You can even, cry a river.
You can sleep all day and wake up watching television, eating chips trying to forget about this someone.

But thinking about it again,
This someone will be good.
This someone will be happy.
This someone will be okay.

Its all that matters, right?
Is it enough for you?
Because if its not,
Then you are made of greed.
It is not love.

On the other side, you don't have to tell them that you love them.
Sometimes, they know.
But if they don't know, you can always tell, or leave it like that.
Because i am pretty sure, that the smiling face of that someone to you, is the most important thing. Despite wether they are within the reach or not.

Love more.
And more.
And more.
Until you think that one day,
You can let the love go.
Say thank you, and pray for their happiness.
And then, let the others found you.

Sometimes, to love is to let go.

This is love, love.

They Were Not There

When i went abroad for college for the first time, i am the only kid who didn't bring parents along. Some of my friend's parents were so kind to me, they offered food and drinks while we were in the plane. Some of them, i know, might be wondering why i have no parent to accompany me.
But thats okay. I was totally okay without my parents presence. Beside, i know how to take care of my own things.
When i was graduating from college, my mother came to witnessed me succesfully hold a bachelor degree. Father wasn't there, so i don't want to take a studio family photo, which mostly other students do with their whole family. I am so sure that my mother was curious, but she didn't ask either, which js good. Because i can't explain.
Back then i remember clearly, i also alone when it was a graduation ceremony from elementary school. I was crying as nobody came to take my result, and my friend's father help me to take the result from the teacher as my parents replacement.
My parents were not there.
When i was at my rebel age, i went to game center right after my senior high school's graduation ceremony. I was alone, as all my friends can't wait to run home and tell their parents about their graduation.
My parents don't even know that day was my graduation day.
They were not there.

I have a friend whose really proud of her Dad. Her Dad is one of the most important person worked in a local newspaper. He is also a really good novel writer. Whenever i play at my friend's house, he have a bunch of his childhood stories to be told. I remember half of it, that he grew up in a small town nearby a small harbor for ships. He used to like to eat an apple every afternoon there, before the sun goes down.
As my friend always wandering around telling about her Dad, i have this jealousy feeling of it. An envy feeling of people who has a complete parents. Maybe they are imperfect too, as nobody is perfect.
But at least, they are there.

I have a wish.
A simple wish that won't ever be granted no matter how hard i am praying.
If i can't have a family now, i hope i have a family in the future. Doesn't have to be a big kind of family, small one is enough.
And i will be there.
Because i don't want my kids to ever feel what i feel right now. Longing for a home, and its nowhere to be found. Trying to search any relatives in the crowd for taking school's result and realizing that nobody came made me feel utterly dumb.

And i will be there. For any occassions, even if my kid is old enough to be embarassed by my presence, i will still be there.
Because they were never there.

Toxic

I think that there is a big differences between people who force you to be with them just because they have free time and nothing else to do, and people who make a schedule specially to meet you.
In fact, i oftenly have lots of, lots of uninvited guests.
If, for example, they make a plan and the plan didn't work, then they will contact me--and without my agreement, visit my home. Innocently appear, they would say.
I dont need a forcely-relation like this.
I dont need toxic people.
People who makes me almost blown my own mind, or people who make me have trouble sleeping just because im thinking too much about what they say, or people that put me into their second option.
Or people who thinks that they are superior enough to tell me what to do and whatnot.
I dont need toxic people.
I dont.

Crumble

In case if you wondering of why you are so hard to handle, probably because you are an absolute piece of mess.

Fire and Some Verses

"Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Some people didn't need your fire and will still love you anyway."

Another Wave From You

Usually, my nights contains nightmares and bad dreams.
But there was one night that i dreamed about a very normal--or you can say--a pretty neat dream.
If you ever watch a cheap soap opera, i guess that was how it would looks like.
In the dream, it all began on winter, when i was buying some breads at the train station and walking--not sure where. I got up into a train.
And i saw you on the train hallway.
As if this is an usual thing to see, you called my name, and the first question that you've ever asked is, "Do you have a blazer or an outer black suit? I'll have this college presentation at 1 P.M, i forgot to bring my outwear."
I stared at her clean white shirt. I shooked my head and said no. My red coat is the only outwear i had. But i borrowed you some hairclips because you were whining on how boring your hair was.
As if we ever meet so often and talk about daily life, you stole up some of my breads and ate it ungracefully. We sat and talked about her upcoming presentation during the journey.
We were walking towards different way once we were got off at the destination and standing in the middle of the station.
I pointed away and said, i have to go over there. So i might see you again next time.
I said, good luck for her presentation, althought i know she'll make it perfectly.
She was laughing nervously and do fingercrossing with her fingers. She stopped laughing, then going down into the escalator.
I was standing at the station balcony. From the down floor, she was giving me this super-wide waving with super-wide smile.
I waved back slowly.
Then i woke up.
That was an obnoxious dream. It is so disturbing. It was all so normal until it could scares me enough now.
But then, i discovered that perhaps i would like to meet you unconsciously.
Its not really me, but my mind.
Because you were some sort of a blessing.
And that was, i supposed,  just an another wave from you.

Overwhelmed

Do you know the saddest part of a friendship? I discovered that its not when my friends found their soulmate and replacing me away. No.
But when we were fighting, and then even i know the situation is gonna be okay and we'll eventually make it up, but i realize that all the things are not gonna be the same again.
We can't go back to those times again.
Because all of it has changed.
...Or, perhaps, we changed.

Unexplainable

I discovered that
I might have trauma
For the sentence of
'I understand'.

Because the people who've said it
Never did.

Isolated

The thing that makes you so difficult is because nobody ever love you sincerely, whole-heartedly. That way, you don't know how to love the others.
You just longing for the love that you've never had.
And thats why if i said i love you, eventhough i really mean it, seems like my words would not, and never--gonna reach you.

Cloudy Days Like These

"Truth is, you've changed, and the difficult thing is, they can't handle it. Means you have two choices; be yourself and leave, or going back to your oldself and stick with them."
"So i basically cannot be myself and stick with it?"
"Unfortunately, it would be like this. They can't handle it. They can't handle you."

Heartbeat

If you lay on the floor
Close your eyes
Imagine the most beautiful place in your mind
Green grass, some apple trees, and the wind
Smell of flowers

You will feel
The heartbeat of the earth
It rhymes with your heart
With your soul
Where you cry
And laugh
And love
And live.

You will feel
You are fully there.
You are not a half.
You are whole.

And when you get up,
Your lungs are as light as a cotton candy

There you go
It could never beat you.
You will get up again

Today Was Raining

And if i open my window at night
I thought it would be a pitch black sky like usual

But today was raining
Only today, i open my window
And look outside
Figure out on so much stars spread on the sky

Like a magic
They are shining
They are there, blinking
Like a miracle

And i
Remember you
And i
Remember you.

Falling Stars

Which, falling stars does not care with your wishes. Its old and its tired, thats why its falling down.
Which, all of your prayers actually going wasted.

Oh but what about,
Falling stars in your eyes?
Can't it at least wipe your tears?

Bon Appetite

Honey darling, be kind with your words. You can bite it, munch it, then swallow it. Sometimes, you still can spit it again.
But, careful for what you say,
That oftenly can eat you back.

Ego

Lately i've been full of myself,
But i've never lived better than this
I just say what i want to say
I just do what i want to do

This is the first time
I've been full of myself,
Everything is about me,

But
This is also the first time
That i actually love being myself.

Fleet

Always remember, remember
That all the things that you have now
May fleet somewhere
Somewhere that you can't reach
Somewhere that it can't even hear your voice

Always remember, remember
That i can fly anytime i want
To somewhere that i'be been longing for
To somewhere that i can find home
To somewhere which i can't be lost on my way anymore

I am not anybody's treasure
I am not anybody's salvation
Nobody
Nobody can own me.
I am myself.

When you lost it,
Once you lose your grip,
Its gone.
Its free.

Always remember,
Remember,
I may fleet, too.

Glitch.

We are so far gone.
We are
Everything, everything
Is gone.

Earth

It's funny when you love someone faraway from you,
You'd think like, oh, today i see a really bright and blue sky
Trees dancing, the leaves were moving like a musical theatre opening
The wind is uplifting
And it's funny
How you wonder how it's going in the other part of the world

Are you eating enough today?
Have you shower?
Do you stepping on the same soil and earth with me?
Is the sun shining bright? Or is it rainy there?
Do you see the same sky and horizon as i see? Look, like various shapes of clouds, that one looks like a doughnut.

When you start to forgot how his voices sounds like
Or how his eyes usually sparkles
Like there is always brilliant lights and hopes
Then you just stood, numb for a second
There is a thump
Heavy, in your heart
Knowing that maybe the person you thinking about all day
Might be looking for the same rainbow or rushing, running across the field,
Or reading some books, leaning under the tree
But that person
Don't even have you in mind

But that's okay
This is okay
Look even how far we're separated
I'll always pray for you to be happy
Here, right under the same sky
We're in the same earth.

Talk

Have you ever scrolling down of all your friends name in chatting applications,
Dozen of applications and hundred of names
Over and over again
And left with a feeling that you urgently need to talk to someone
But you think that nobody there is able to listen to you?
I have.
Just today.

Closed

You know that
I'm a type of person
Who would lie if it is none of your business?
I think human relation is very flat.
That flatness brings you trust to each other.
If one says she/he do something bad,
The other believes so.
Because they dont think beyond the relation,
They dont think like,
'How if she/he lying for good sake?'
Or
'Why was she/he different from usual?'
Im saying this because
So many people judges me
Based on what i prefer to show them.

Who cares with what im actually doing?
It is none of your business anyway. Let me do my thing,
And let you believe what i told you to believe.

I Live

Its good to be back to myself!
For uncounted days, i have been lost in some ways, eating whatever i can eat or not eating at all, Sleep if i have time, which most of my days went total idle.
But anyway, today i just wake up in the morning like usual, when the sun already rises before me, and i thought,
Oh, this condition would never change if i don't move my lazyass.
I have to do something. Anything.
I have to go somewhere, or else i could just rot in my own room.
And there is me today, eating breakfast well, have some chocolate-coated cookies, and listen to music. I have been searching entire pages for my future.
I will continue it.
I am strong enough. I will live. And nothing can beats me right now.

Warmth

So for now,
Lets forget all the things
Let it all be the way things want to be
Let us be
What we think we should be

If you think we should be okay
There, we have to be okay
Until then,
Until one of us have to leave.

Promise

I guess its my mistake
For never believe in promises
Yet i made it somehow
Without expecting anything much

So if you lied,
That's okay.
I will be fine,
I already know from the start,
It meant to break anyway.

Drowning

I get to the point,
Where i'm actually don't know what to cry anymore
So i wake up every morning
Birds chirping, then i remember to be alive
Walk slowly to the kitchen
Take milk, take cereals
Have breakfast
Wash the dishes

Look, the water is running
Can it cleans?
Can it drowns?
I stood there, again, touch the water
With the feeling
That i might don't know myself anymore.
See, even

I lost myself.

Minderlust

I have learned something really important these days.
I admits, that for twenty years of my life, i lived under the roof of mentally abusive family. All my family, including me, have a problem for anger management. Once we get angry, then all hell breaks loose.
I don't know who to blame when everybody yelling at each other, but once my Mom said that this is all a genetic from my Dad.
All i know is i live this way, i get used to it. First i thought i have to stand for myself, because nobody gonna catch my back. So i have to do all the things pretty much alone. Everytime i fight with one of my family members, at the very beginning i also yelled at them. Im not satisfy enough thinking that they're the only one who can yell.
By only then, they're always told me "Actually we all are really similar." (Referring to anger management thing).
I admit it. But they forgot one thing that is really important: our age gap is pretty far. My siblings are 14 years older than me. Yes, you don't misread it. 14 years older. So basically, you can imagine a 25 years old yelling shouting blaming me, which is 11 years old.
Im getting used to it. I thought, well maybe if i don't say anything, they will keep shouting for 5 minutes full and needs at least 30 minutes to finally calm down. You don't have to do anything, just stand there, bear your ears to listening to them because its what they want, and forget all the things they've said. That simple.
I find this very easy, but last time i keep my mute, they keep shooting down my ideas. My life. What i want to do. What college course i want to take. Where do i want to study. I have plans. They destroyed all of it, and end up asking me to get a job and whatnot after i graduate from the course and the university that they wanted.
Then, i realize one thing: words are very precious, but they don't have power anymore.
Since then, i have been really, really careful in choosing my words. Because of words, people judge. Because of words, people do stupid things. Some people does not even know what words can drive others into. Speak loud and without thinking is the basic behavior of human.
That is why i stop to speak. I don't have any urge to ask or explain. I answer what people ask straightly without any bonus or back-questions.
How are you?
I'm good, thank God.
What are you doing?
Gaming. (I don't play games all the time but i find it worthless to explain what i really do at the time)
Why you didn't reply me fast?
I'm busy. (Which is half a lie. Im actually busy, but in the other side i don't have capability to listening anymore. When someone needs you, they will come instantly. When they're happy, they left.  They asked for help, i did it, they're done. I'm so confused what exactly they want.)
But no, i don't want their defenses. I know they love themselves so much as i love myself, but no, i just don't want to listen anymore. I'm lost at giving responses. Im afraid to give responses because it is not come from my heart. It is come from my brain, so that is why i might sounds like a customer service. Or a robot even.
If they're happy, should i?
If they're mad, should i?
I think maybe i need a little help here. Something to enlighten me about what i have to say. Because i'm really confused until it makes me crazier than before.
Its better to be mute. Its better to looks as normal as possible.
Words doesn't hurts. Nor it kills. But it's no longer powerful. Its oftenly left blank, without any meaning.

"Nothing in the world can bother you as much as your own mind, I tell you. In fact, others seem to be bothering you, but it is not others, it is your own mind."
-Sri Sri Ravi Shankar