In The Middle

It is not that i really want to die,
No.
But at the same time,
I don't want to live.

Until Then

And then, she wondered,
"How can i protect something so perfect without evil?"

Home

Just so let you know,
Im not a home that you can return to.

Thank You

Instead of hatred, i start to feel pity for you. You have no one to remind you how shitty is your behavior, or how you act like a kindergarten kid. You are lack of attention and love. You are clueless and lonely.

Meeting a person like you, honestly, makes me remember myself in the past; i was a hater, extremely rude, self-centered, self-denial, over-confidence, blaming people for life, never listen to advices, that was why nobody likes me.

I should feel blessed to have so many friends who still caught me up before i'm fall, who stop my steps to the wrong way. Up and down, being ugly or poor, they are still there. With me.

I honestly don't know what will i be without them. Maybe i will still stuck with who i was before, refuse to accept the fact that i was alone.

Saying 'i love you guys' might sounds a bit disgusting, but i hope that even you don't feel doing anything for me, i'll let you know that you saved me from my worst. Thank you, from my deepest heart.

Thank you for being there.

Felt

Maybe, i will see you again.
Maybe, one day.

Truly Happy

I just realizes recently that hatred doesn't help anything in your life.
It is not spreading any magical, any love or miracles like you expect.
In the opposite, hating on something will waste all of energies. By i mean 'waste' here, is literally a lots of energies. You won't like the person when you see their faces, or their status on social medias, or even look at their photos somewhere.
Why, i keep asking myself, why we as human is so difficult to forgive, yet forgiveness is something really beautiful?
It would make peace of mind, after all that happen.
After you wake up from drowning, you will realize that all this time, all you do is just swimming in the sea of darkness. Eating all hatred and hungriness of being evil.
Remind yourself everytime you feel like hating on something,
Does it bring you happiness?
Will it help if you just simply spread loves and forget all the things happened?
Just spread some loves. You will get more loves back, trust me.
And see, i do just realize now. And its not too late for take a boat and paddle until the shore, arrive at the soft sandy on my feet and have a heart like a cotton candy.
Forgive all. Escape from the mountain of burden.
Loves everything you could.
Then, be truly happy.

Rainbow

Once, my buddy said that the person that she likes so much for long time is like a rainbow. It is so beautiful, but too hard to reach.
Then this morning when i was ate my toasts with jam,
I suddenly thinking that maybe, perhaps, she is right.
Maybe it feels like, every songs you listen to is about them,
Or every places you go, you hope they were there.
Or every stories you read, reminds you about them.

And that, that is what she meant by 'beautiful' its all about them is beautiful. Its so beautiful it can makes you cry.
And so are you.
So are you.
You're beautiful.

Respect

"Why do you think they wearing a really open and exposed-body kind of clothes?"
"For being stylish. Or because they haven't wash their clothes so its the last clean clothes. Or because the weather is sunny so it's kinda hot. Or because they just wanted to."
"No, beside those reasons--i mean, why?"
"Well, let's ask some people why they dye their hair, or why they wear ripped shortpants everyday, or why they have tattoo, or why they have piercings."
"Then?"
"That is the point. Some people might think why we are covering our hair with scarf all the time. Thats called human. Therefore, to not ask is humanity."

Wonderland

For me,
No need to talk about anything
Just walk, and walk, and walk,
Somehow i will see the light in the end of this dark tunnel

For me,
No need to speak about anything
Just run, and run, and run
Through the bushes of roses
So many cuts
But somehow i will see the river in the end of this forest

I will go with a small boat
Through the water
With bags of candies and chocolates
Without any map
And i will
Found a place, somewhere i'd like to go all this time
With lots of flowers, green grass
Bird chirping
Trees and the wind whispering

Then i will
Live in a little woody lodge
Make a pancake with butter and maple syrup
Listening to music, collecting vegetables
Make special cup of tea with a spoon of honey
Reading books under the tree

I will be happy
Without listening to every words you say
Or even without knowing you at all

There is nothing left from me.
Not even a piece of explanation.
I will go, far, far, faraway.
Collecting happiness.

Confession

If you're here, so then am i.

Pandora

Sometimes i just have a simple wish,
The one and only wish i do for myself,
Is to
Kill all the demons
That lives in me.

Blue

"To really think about it, i never hear him cry. Even for one drops, even in greatest sadness, he never showed it. But he said to me once that he cry. I still can't hear or see him cry, and i don't like the idea of him crying. Utterly, he cried. He still cry here and there, running uncontrolable, throwing away the teardrops like a blood, or like a waters. He can't shout, so that's when he cries even louder. He showed it to nobody except himself. You know, that kind of silent cry. That kind of run-to-the-forest-and-cry-for-a-while-and-get-back-soon, or like an invisible feelings. Its there, but you can't really see it. But its there. He cried without words. Without any voices. Without any defenses. But no, he does not want the world to know, he definately dont want to look weak. So there it is, i can hear him cry emotionless, sobbing for hours. I dont see tears, but i finally hear him crying. A lots."

Pray

Without you knowing it

Without you knowing that there is actually someone

Praying, everyday, just for you to smiles more, to be happy more, to be surrounded by good people more and more, to get peace and stay healthy more,

Without you knowing it

Without you knowing that you're adored so much

So much

So much it could make you cry.

It could make you cry your heart out loud.

That much, that you don't know

That much, without you knowing it

Your name is always mentioned. In every pray.

In every pray.

In every single days went by.

In every times, every thousand ticking clocks, every ringing alarms and digital reminders.

In every seasons, in every last leaves that falling to the ground, and in every blooming flowers in the garden.

In every distance from stars to stars, from the earth to the sun

In everything, from sky to the soil

That much

Without you knowing it

You are loved, that much.

Evil

He made from pure dusts and thousand pieces of stars
And a chunk of warm heart.
Contains 80% of waters.
He is scattered upon the night and dusk.

If he were never meant to going back to the stars
Then he prefer to be in this earth
Between these demons
Destroyed all the things around him

But he never meant to move
Even half of him is the horizon
And every thin air he breathe is from the blue,
So does he never leave.

He made from pure dusts and thousand pieces of stars,
And a chunk of warm heart.
He is scattered upon the night and dusk.
But
There is no evil in him.
There never was.

Literal Distance

Some people said that,
Silent presence are much better than empty words,
Means
That it is better,
To have someone be there without saying anything,
Than have someone to said a lot of things from far away?

But
Does anyone actually ever thought of,
Distance?

I mean, literal distance,
When i think, that
If only i could fly and embrace him,
As i said with my words before,
Then i would.
But im here
He is there
Miles, miles away

So you think, what can i do?
Sky-diving accross the sea?
Walk for thousand miles?
Fly there with imaginary wings?
Or even, doing what, magical teleportation?

Don't you think it all are so complicated to do?
Don't you think its pretty hard,
To have someone that you always cared so much,
Apart from you?
Don't you think it is sad,
If you can't be there instantly when they need you the most?
If you are missing them so much yet you can't meet?
Then perhaps when you agree with me, remember this;
It is never been so easy.
Love is always being difficult.

When you can't present,
You can always talk.
Words does matter.
It is meant from the heart.

So that
They can feel you in your words.

One Day, That Morning

When i was in high school, i remember i went to school, accidentally, really early in the morning and it was just some people already in class because they have special duty for cleaning the class based on our schedule. I still remember the sky was still a bit dark purple, the haze was still covering whole school, and the sunrise wasn't even fully appears.
I walked slowly passed the school's mosque and basketball court. It was so quiet, despite the fact that in the afternoon, the school will be full of chaos.
As i walked through the corridor into my class, i saw this guy, one of my lovely classmate, stood there with his mineral water bottle, and i saw him poured waters to the plants and flowers in front of the class. I'm sure that guy is not in class-cleaning schedule, so i asked him what is he doing with those plants. Nobody ever remember to give them waters, i mean. Despite of how stupid the question will sounds, that time i don't even think carefully before i ask someone something.
He still didn't look at me straightly and still busy pouring waters to the soils, but i think he knew who was talking. He answered, said, 'If i dont give them waters, then the flowers will be dry.'
His answer drowns me to the deepest mind of my brain. I zoned out for a while. Then the warmth of the sunrise suddenly bring me back to reality. From every windows, her golden colors rising, comes slowly, shining beautifully through the class.
Then i remember, i saw his pair of really bright, brown eyes, while he is smiling and poured waters to the next plants beside him.
The answer is beautiful.
It is.

Starless Night

I never mean to stop running after you
Because i promise myself to never leave you again
But right now
You are too far in front of me
Like starless nights
Where i want to find the stars
But i just couldn't
Because the clouds are covering it

Would you show up
Behind the shadows
Or turn your back to me
So that i can see you again
So that we can run together,
Even its nowhere to go,
Or no places called home,
I will still hold your hand


But, like starless nights
You are too far.

Wordless Heart

Do you know the greatest and the biggest sadness that your heart can feel?
When people said that you are so good with words. By i mean here that, literally, good with words. Wether you're talking or writing, those words are marvelous. You can create shapes, mood, story, based on words. Basically all you have to do is just pick and move your words from your thoughts, from your brain, to a paper, or a typewriter, or even a digital gadget or laptop that you have. Anything that can transfer your mind, so that not only you who can understand the meaning.
Did i said the greatest and biggest sadness that your heart can feel? Oh yeah--well, we are all human. Not forget to mention, we are also perfect and imperfect creatures, all whole in one. We are bad and good in one. We are the beast and the beauty, angels and devils in one.
We have thousand unexplainable feelings, that one of them comes so secretly, oftenly uninvited, and hard to let go once it comes.
And such feeling is simply called as 'love'.
And can you already guess what i meant with greatest and biggest sadness that your--okay okay, i change that one into--our hearts.
What is the greatest and biggest sadness that our hearts can feel?
The answer is quite simple: when love and words does not want to be connected.
Or in the other words, when people said that you are so good with words and you already produce a lots of nice stories, poems, philosophies, quotes which is some find it inspiring. Or it can help some others and lead them to happiness.
You are so happy when its happening. To know that your writing and words are worth to read for people, and the fact that they are willing to take the words and even spread it out. Its a huge honor for you.
But when love--and words are not meant to be connected, then you are done. Its like all your finger freezes and you can't write anything again, or you lost interest for all the musics that usually accompany you while you're writing and playing with words, or you feel that you are become numb, useless, and fall unguarded from highest cliff, to the deep darkness.
When you already build up your courage, and ready for your words, wether you choose to write or say it straight,
But its fails immediately.
Thats when, your words and the love are not meant to be.
Your beautiful, soft words cant reach the person you love. Eventough it is safe. It is honest and gentle, as white feathers which fly in the sky.
But still. The person you love does not trust the words.
Both ways, it really hurts. Not only for you, but for me also. That is the greatest and biggest sadness. That is the worst wound that scratches your heart a bit by a bit until it needs really long time to be heal again.
And it is also makes you wonder, that it might be because you don't use the words correctly. Or its not pure enough to be reachable.
But maybe, my dear, maybe,
The person you love is the one who actually cannot hear you.

Sixty Months Ago

One morning i walk successfully through the school gate, i checked my watch. Its 07.11 in the morning. I continue to walk really slow to the class, as it was a really lazy morning. A lots of sounds. Sounds of the water fountain in front of the class, people chatting and laughing, teachers yelling, books and papers sounds ripped, some pens and pencils fell down to the floor. The smells are the same, hot meatballs soup's smell up in the air from the school's canteen, the trees are same green, the sky is the same blue, and the flowers are the same pretty. I still remember how my Sport lesson's teacher was always watering the plants and scold anyone who accidentally stepped on the water hose. He promised that he will splat the water to whoever bothering his routine activity.
I can hear that, not far behind my back, some students footsteps, rushing because they thought they were late. And i can hear from in front of me, the sounds of basketball clattered in the field's rubber floor.
I keep walking really slow.
Then i saw his back. As tall as a power pole, he walked in front of me, going into the corridor. He have different way to walk--he drag his feet so hard, yield the sounds of shoe soles rubs the floor--some people find this as quite disturbing. As he obviously looks like he dont want to go to the class, he walked even slower than me.
He brought his usual abstract pattern dark brown bag--which is not his choice of the bag--might be the choice from the parents, and he wore the same usual brown jacket which is oversized, but he'd never fold the sleeves (I swear i did reminded him of that oversized matter--he never listened!)
I walk quicker, call his name and even before he turn his head to see who's calling, i pushed both of his shoulder to the front. He was almost fell down and always mumbling to me after that.
And me, i look at him and smile even wider to hear his mumbling. I jumped along while he still mumbling unclearly, that i'd never even try to hear him until he was finishing his grumbles.
I ran and arrived at the class faster than him, not knowing the fact that 5 years later from that moment, i will miss that mumbling voices so much.

The Door, Sunflowers, and Him

There is a single, black color door in the middle of nowhere. The door is always numb. So does the red-dressed girl. As she always sit in front of it, quitely. She doesn't make any sounds. Even when she's breathing.
When it comes to winter, all we can see is just the white steam comes from her mouth. Still no sound, but we know that she is cold, her skin become whiter and all sounds she made are sneezes. She will somehow have some blankets covering her and sometimes a brown coat when she plays with the deers. But she will comeback and stay still in front of the door.
When spring comes, she will be a bit happier, knowing the seeds that she have planted during last year start to growing up, healthier and taller. She would move a bit and step by step, pouring some water with her hands to the plants. Then she would, fadely smile, for a second. Now she have a new line of something that she can brag, flowers!
When it finally moves to summer, she will be extra careful to protect the door. Because its really hot and humid, its time for the bears comes to search for food. But when she found a river, she is sure the bears are more attracted to the fishes. She tried to catch some, but the fishes are too sleek for her. She end up sitting nearby the river and talking to some pupaes that is late to transform themselves into beautiful butterflies. And when she comeback to her own little secret garden, she found out that her sunflowers growing taller, even more taller than her. She hugs those flowers and tell them that she loves them so much. She loves the brightness of them, which reminds her of him, of that person.
She get back to the door as she always do everyday, without no sound. She knocked the door slowly--no one answered, as usual.
"The sunflowers blooming!" She finally yells. No answer. "You have to come out to see how bright and beautiful they are!" She is about to say that the sunflowers are more like him, but she hold her tongue to talk more.
It comes to the autumn when she is so struggle with her own secret little garden, because so many storms comes unexpectedly, and she have to protect them all, especially the sunflowers. She wrapped them all one by one with plastics and pray that they can be strong. She whispered to the sunflower to not get down. "You are stronger than you know." She said.
Day by day, she is still sitting in front of the black door, in the middle of nowhere. As she hopes that someday the door will open--as she hopes that someday the heart will return.
At one early morning, before the sun rises, she is still awake, a bit freezing. As she always wait for the sun comes, she already miss the warmth.
There is a tumble sound behind the door. A really tiny voices. She can hear them all. She standing and stick her left ear to the door.
The person behind the door try to talk--it has been ages since he talks. His voice is so low, but she still can hear them.
"....Are you there?"
The girl nodded energetically, but then she realize that he can't see her. She grabs her red dress, and fill up her courage to talk.
"The sunflowers--" she couldn't finish her sentences. There is a sound of the keylock. She still have to wait for some seconds. Wait for this all this long.
Now she can see his eyes, peeking from the dark. She still can see them, a pair of bright brown color eyes.
He open the door completely. He never changes. He is just the way he is, eventough it has been a while since the last time she sees him. He see how her eyes never stops blinking. Then he see her little secret garden. The sunflowers are standing strong, bright and glorious. He never expected to see every beauty on each of them.
The sun rises. He can feel its warmth, how it goes to his heart, its glowing.
She know that he is speechless. She might be insane to wait for him this long, month by months, year by years, and yet she is still there, without knowing when exactly he will comes out, when exactly he will call her name and eventually, open the door. She is still will be there, and she would never stop to repeats that she have a pure heart, so does him. She would never back off, as he never asked her to leave. She wants to let him know that he is so precious, so important to her. But she is not good with voices, with words. She can only wait for him to realize, to know that he is loved.
She can see the tears comes down on his cheeks. For the first time, he cries. He cry all along from his darkness, his doubt, and his bottom of the heart. He still cry for hours, but there she is, she can't smile wider and brighter than she is now. Her eyes are like a mirror, she feels the tears also start to going down on both of her cheeks, then become waterfalls. She can't be any happier more than she finally can see him now.
"How are you?"
That's all she can say.

Unmindful

I miss him
But
I think that
He miss her more.
I dont know her
But
If thats the only reason that he can be happy
Then
I let him go.

Avalanche

We are sitting together in front of the coffee shop. I remember it was a hot, sunny day, and i dont know why we preferred to sit in front of the shop, where the heats hit on the street. He wipe away his sweat on his forehead, and standing. He then, suddenly, tell me how he miss his girlfriend.
"We are faraway now, you know. Different cities." He scratch his head and walked back and forth, back and forth.
"Well, its just a distance. You both can keep up." I answered.
"It's far. I can't be separated like this." He replied me with sad--more confused eyes.
"That is good. Tell her then. You can always tell.  Its easy."
"I just did." He finally got his calm. He sat down. Then he just realized something. He looked at me all of sudden.
"Well how about you? Don't you miss anyone now, somehow?"
I have to travel my mind into space for some minutes, trying to figured out who i missed. A lots of faces appears, but that does not help at all.
"No--wait." I said to him.
He still waiting for my answer.
"How if its like this." I stand, my back feels tired, guess i sit too long. "I would say that you are lucky. You have someone that you're really loves. And turns out she loves you too. You can just call or chat or whatever saying 'Hey i miss you--' kind of stuffs." I took a pause.
He opens his mouth, he just wanted to say something. Then he leave it like that. Now he looks like an idiot.
"Then," i continued, "Me. I just realized how hard it is to say that kind of stuffs, eventough i want to say it from the bottom of my heart, that i miss him more than anything, but you know what?"
"--what?" Finally he answered and he can close his mouth.
"I got no chance to say it. Maybe i would never say it at all for my whole life. Beside he is too far from me,"
"Then why don't you just try and say?" He cutted me.
I sit beside him.
"There is some things that is--i think, better left unsaid."
"Or you just too afraid to try. Or to knows what will happen next." He smiles. But not that kind of happy smiles. He is sad for me. And i dont want a pity from him, but thats exactly what i feel right now. Like im rolling inside the blanket of sadness covering me.
I know what i should answer. Maybe i just too afraid to try. Maybe because i wouldn't know his responses.  Maybe i really just afraid to--
"Those 'maybe, maybe' will definately kill you someday." He looked at me, like he can read my mind.
"Yeah." I looked at him right in the eyes. "I miss him. A lot. And that is hurt."
He laughs.
"Wether he feel the same thing with you or not, it will still aches. But because you're hiding right now, then its even hurt more. It is works like that, Angie. Feelings are powerful more than you can imagine. They works like that, you have to say it out, otherwise it aches."
I'm speechless. Thats the wisest answer that i've ever heard, always left me stunned when i remember it.

Human

He was looking to the night sky, pretend as if he could find Andromeda. He was leaning to the wall, and i can see slight lights on both of his eyes. Perhaps, like a Milky Way. Then i look up, gazing through the sky.
"I have a dream," he says.
"To runaway from human. From its people."
Im still searching for stars, all i can see is a total pitch black sky.
"And why?" I ask.
He sighed, like he is tired, but he wanted to explain things to me.
"Look at this way, they are beautiful creatures. Human are good in any ways, they have senses. They make senses. They are perfect. And disgusting."
I am still listening, as i thought he would continue his sentences, but he stops there.
"But you are a human, too." I reply him.
"Thats why i could think forever how to--possibly, you know, runaway from myself." He answered.
I look at him, those lights that supposed to be on his eyes disappears.
Now its pitch black.
Just the same as the sky.

Burgundy

A friend once said to me that she is so envy of me. Of my life. The fact that i can go anywhere around without people calling me back, or the fact that i have economical support for my journey. She wanted to be me all along. She wanted to be someone who seems like easy to get a total freedom.
Dear, let me tell you one secret.
We are human being, i bet in each person, there are a lots of times we wanted to be someone else but us. We wanted to steal the body or the life of the others. We think like, 'Oh i wish i can be like that.' so oftenly.
You know what its called? Jealousy. Enviousness. Insecurity. And other hundred words with the same meaning.
Dear, i also have my times when i want to be someone else. And the times are different.
When i want to travel to some dangerous countries, lets say India, or Brazil. Which is really beautiful countries, but also highly dangerous. I really want to be a guy. That i am stronger, more free, and simpler. I dont have to shower for days and nobody would ask why. I dont have to comb my wet hair, wish it will be dry by itself under the sun. I dont have to be afraid of jumping into some random groups full of strangers when im travelling. I dont have to be worried of where i can sleep. I can just put newspaper in the random bench in the park and randomly sleeping.
Remember those times in high school that i can also envy of my friend because she is so cute and pretty, that she can get any guys effortlessly?
And i do look at myself in the mirror with dissapointment that i cannot be like her. My hair is not her hair, neither my eyes, my nose, and other parts.
But seriously, listen.
Every human being is different. But, they are same beautiful, same precious.
You dont have to be someone else.
If you are envy about my freedom, i too, envy about the family of yours. How you have a perfect complete mother and father figure, someone that willing to get you to dinner or lunch together, or someone that you can rely on, or even nicer that when you are faraway from home, they will always call you back. Thats why its called as 'home', a place that wherever you go, you will always comeback there.
Yeah. I envy that you have a home.
And dear,
My home is a jail. It feels like a cage and only very few people knows it. I can't stand living in my own home, so i prefer to go. To escape from reality. All along my journey, i still have to carry my key to go home, and the fact that i have to go back to the cage somehow.
You never know, isn't it? If only you knew, then i doubt that you still want to be me.
All we can do is get jealous of other people, but also you have to realize, you are also beautiful. We are all beautiful.
You can't be happy if you still thinking how to be like other people. You are yourself, you are unique, and nobody is quite like you. You can be yourself, there will be nobody blaming you for that. I might be envy of that, too, because i found myself struggling within my 20 years life to be truly myself. Its hard.
Be fully you. Because nobody can be you.


P.S;
Psst, and most of the time, i envy your burgundy hair :p

Her Silence

Just listen to the silence,
Because she cant speak too loud
About things she wanted to tell
From long, long time

Just listen to the silence
Because once she speak, she will stop in half way
Because she will be full of doubts
Because she cant speak too much
She is afraid to spill it out
From long, long time

Just listen to the silence
When you think that
She is too quiet
But she is always up into something
She is always there, ready to listen to anybody
Who needs her

Just listen to the silence
Because perhaps she had been seeking for helps
That she never get
Because she might just give up
On everything
Because she wants to forget and erase
All the things she had enough

Just listen to the silence
Because she is difficult to understand
Does not mean that she dont want to be understood

Just listen to the silence
Because she needs someone to hear  her through
Her soundless cry
Her tired eyes
Or her invisible sadness
She needs to found a piece of happiness
Or else, she will be always silent

Just listen to the silence
That actually have echoes in it
Calling out here and there
And im sure
When you can actually hear her
And she finally find you
Who could listen to her silence
Only by then,
She will feel like the happiest person on earth.

Another Time

Its definately not now,
But

I think that
I might
I perhaps
Find you again, then
I will love you another time.

For You

Hey there, Granit.

Out of all the words that i usually say,
I want to say that
For me, hearing you laughing really means a lot.
It makes those things around alives.
So i hope you will laugh as loud as you can,
Hope that you still can keep your happiness inside
That will burst out like you usually do
With your laughs and smiles.

Hey there, Granit.
I would like to say that i kinda miss you everyday
Like there, there is Granit
And i would run approaches you with big, full smile on my face
That you would reply with the same smile
That i've seen thousand times, since long ago.

Hey there, Granit
You would not believe this, but
There are actually some days that i told the people stories about you
And i proudly say that
You are really matters for me.
And the people will start to curious
To know more about you
When they're asking me, what kind of person you are,
I would answer that,
You are like a sunshine.
Or like a sunflowers.
Bright, but
You just dont know how precious you are.

Hey there, Granit.
Remember the day you sit in front of me in the class?
That time i already decided
To extend my arms widely enough
To protect you
From any harms.
Eventough i failed for once.
Remember when you taught me Math
Which i dont really get it everytime
Because i just dont care about it.
Or you would told me a bunch of histories
Which i dont really listen
Because i just don't like history.
Or remember times to times you told me about planets
Like the moon, stars and the sea that you loves
The blue color of the sky, or the white line in the sky,
From airplane traces
And your favorite smell of the earth after the rains.
Simple little things. That i didn't really bothered.

Hey there, Granit.
Remember the day when we are already apart far away
Really, really far
And i brewed a cup of hot, sweet tea for my breakfast then streamed a morning news
I heard that the place where you lives just get a big earthquake
I put away my cup
And try to get myself to call
Which your number was not active.

Remember after i got your other numbers
Panically, call you afterwards
I finally hear your voice and
Its the most relieved feeling that i've ever feels.
Even after that you asked me why i being such a worried busy-body about you
That is a quite dumb question
Because knowing that you are fine,
Is a state of my bliss.

Hey there, Granit.
I won't say sorry, eventough
I did a lots of mistakes to you.
I did evil thoughts towards you.
Despite im a human
I also have dark side to be whole in myself
But i won't say sorry
Because if you are actually mad at me
I know i deserved it
But for some days, i have times of breakdown instead,
When you said its all okay
You are fine.
I dont have to worry.
Then you will say
Take care, be careful.

It makes me think
From that day
That i would loves you truly
As a human.
As a beautiful creature.
That i feel so blessed
To talk to you again
To be able to meet and
To see you again, frequently in between busy schedules
I feel so blessed, really.
To have you in my life.
Thank you for being there.

Hey there, Granit.
Maybe, maybe i just being such an egoistic
You can hate me for that
But
I did not really want you to change.
I did not really want you to disappears.
Which you will say that now
Games are faraway more important
Or
Your college friends are more important
But if i say that you are the most important person in this world for me,
And it never changes ever since the old days,
Then
Would you believe me?

Hey there, Granit
This might sounds weird
And i have to do double thinking for what i will say
But if i did not say it, i'm sure i will regret it
Like in the past, full of regrets
Full of griefs about what i've done wrong
So i will say it right now
Because i would never, ever, repeated it again.
And i promise myself that
I would never, ever, runaway from you again
Like i did before.

Three years ago, i was so careless
When you tried to call my name a lots of times already
Until you feel that your voices are wasted, and you only hurt your own throat uselessly
Then when you feel the call didn't work, you're trying to reach for a helping hand
Even just one from us,
Just one, that anybody actually can do easily, but
I still denied it
I leaved you hanging alone,
And didn't even help to catch you back when you're falling, hitting the ground,
Hard.

Hey there, Granit.
I would never asking you to open up yourself
Or to change yourself into someone that you are not
Or to be strong
And all the mainstream words people have said.
I just want to say that
Once in a while, everybody's hurt
Because of a lots of things
And once in a while, its okay to whining
As much as you can
Its okay to nagging around
Or even shouting to the sky
And cry as hard as you can
Take all the times you need
Just dont be
Concealed
Dont hide
Because if you keep hiding in your sanctuary
I might couldn't find you.
Then i will be a kind of wanderlust, searching for you.

Now, there there, all enough is enough
You just have to sit and rest
Throw all your unworthy feelings
Because now its my turn,
To try to put back your pieces that already scattered around like a broken mirror
Like a huge piles of puzzles, waiting to be a complete forms
To fix the cracked parts,
Of your heart that needs a super glue here and there,
To carry you in between the maze, for finding your ways again
To feel a little peace.
To walk along beside you whenever you feel alone walking just by yourself.
To always reminds you that,
You are loved.
To always hold both of your hands,
Tightly,
And embraces you back to be a whole.




Hey, Granit.
I won't leave you ever again.

Quiet

I might just simply waiting,
For somebody who
Found me in the worst condition
And still can say
Its enough of all those pretentious actions.
Its fine
Its okay to be myself.

Then i think
I will be free.

Bliss

What is actually happiness?
Its not something that you can see. Same as love, they said, you have to feel it.
Happiness can be as simple as food. For example, mine. Food can put me back in the mood. Street foods are. Or can be sweets, or chocolate. Or vanilla cupcakes. Or marshmallow dip to a mug full of hot chocolate. Or shared waffle with ice cream. Those all can makes me happy.
No, but im not going to talk about food stuff here.
As fresh as the flowers in the morning, feels that you can smell the scents from it. Like there, they are start to blooming in your garden. You can might be look at those colors, those petals, those softness.
As peaceful as the book. Remember those times you just buy a new book and the new papers smells great. It feels like you hug the world with every words on it.
It can be anywhere, but you couldn't find any better place than the garden with a book. You will have little chirping birds as your favorite voices. You know the feeling, when you laying on the grass and look at the blue sky and start to wondering the shape of the clouds.
As calm as the mountain and the beaches. You will tripped all over the journey, but once you get there, you wouldn't see any clearer sky than that. You might be would want to roll around in the sand, picking up those shells and hear the sea's singing. They sings good, or you think you wouldnt found any better voices than the voices of the earth with your echoes, on the top of the world. You can feel the wind really clearly. Those breezes will play with your hair, and the cold is kind enough with yourself.
Remember that times, when you light up your first fireworks? It sparks as you try to touch the sparkles out. Its like those ones in the sky, fly straightly and sparkles very bright, with all of those bright, wonderful colors, as your heart beats. It is wonderful.
The other times when you running? The world might hit you hard and you decided to wear your running shoes without any reason. The next minutes, you're already in the walkside of the river, running and finally sits alone waiting for the orange sky and the sunset goes down. Then you close your eyes and tell yourself repeatedly, eventually that things will get better. Then you start to sings, all loud with consciousness that your voice is ugly, but it makes your burdens sent to the sky.
I did stars-gazing one time. It is brilliant to have a lots of my precious people in the same roof, right below the night sky without any lights, hoping that there will be stars. Falling one will be beautiful, but the city lights make them invisible, so you just start share any stories around and hear back from them, in the dark. You would know who is talking from the voices without even look at the faces. Your eyes will stick to the dark sky, as the color is like a morning coffee in your paper glass. It is bitter and you can't see anything, but you feel them there.
See, there are so many types of happiness. I couldn't really define for myself, except the people that i have for now. They are full of kindness, toughtful, and very bright.
They loved me, for all those wrong things i did, they remind me without a doubt. They make a house to be a home whenever i want to runaway from myself. They are food-buddies, they dont mind eating a lots with me, forgetting the world for a while. They bring me to a places that i can feels of slight freedom, when i can jumping around and be myself. They are laughing loudly, bring me to the moment where i can feel their happiness spread to be mine.
Don't be afraid to be miserable. Those times when you finally walk together with them and tell each other the worst stories that you have for each month, that would be miserable. But you see, some of them would just laugh and tell you eventough its wrong, im a human. And thats can't be undone. All you can do is just feel stupid as much as you can, and then dance with them.
Now thats what i called happiness. You'd never feel as amazing as you meet those people around, side by side beside you.
Just like a paper dolls.

For the Beloved

I remember that day, one afternoon
In the beginning of July, the heat is amazing
I look at the sun
Waiting for you at the edge of station
As i feel happy
To see you again this time

Finally you come by
Calling my name from faraway
I see you waving from the other side
Laughing, as bright as the sunflowers

I remember the days
When i see you grow up
A bit by a bit
Mad because of few things
Cry because of another things
Laugh because so much things
I might be weird
To act like a mother for you
I love you like i have a child

When you talk
It feels the world is different stories
And then you would laugh whenever you said something dumb
And then you share another stories
About those things you loved
That might hurts you
Remember, remember, i said
That some of them might be unworthy to keep
You said, you know it.

When you speak, you speak of honesty
I see the lights on your big round eyes
Like there will be a lots of falling stars
Like a paint brush
When you're hurt, the way you see things would be different
It would be darker than ever

Im afraid that none of people would understand this kind of feeling
That im sure they will think weirdly
Of me and him
But
Its about the feeling that you wanted to protect
For those who are so precious yet so fragile
For those whose you'd wish to see keep smiling and laughing
Those who can keep dreaming and move forward
Those whose means a lots.
Those who can make you run uncontrollably to the hospital when they said they're sick.
Those who can force you to make a good soup eventough you can't really cook well.
Those who can make you remember the list of food that you can't eat.

Its the voice that you haven't heard for years
Its the song that you haven't sing together for years
Its the face that you haven't see for years
Its the hug that you haven't do for years

I love you, as one of my beloved
I love you, as i always pray that you will be happy
I love you, without any rules

I remember that day, when you finally had to leave
I have to see your back, you walk forward
Then you once looking back, smile at me
And waving again
As you left
Im thinking of the next times
That we will meet again someday
It would be the same
You will be full of laugh, life and love
And i will embrace you for all of that

Your happiness
Is my everything.

Answer

Some questions are not meant to be answered.
Maybe they can just be quiet.
Maybe they can speak, but not too loud.
Maybe they can tell, but they are lying.

Some questions are too tricky.
Some of them runaway wether without even answering, or change the questions itself.
Some of them are just stay quiet, trying to be humble.
Some of them are judgemental without a sound.
Some of them stabs.

Some questions are offending.
They can be hurt.
They can be a sweet reminder.
They can be the hidden facts.

But between those hundred types of questions,
There is actually some
Which is always sincere
Gentle,
And understanding
Whatever the answer is
Good or bad
They will be still there
Waiting, hoping with kindness

Still somehow, those questions oftenly leaves fast
Because those who can answer
Is the one who does not want to answer.

Sail

Sometimes,
I feel that i sails too far.
To be good
To behave
As people told me to do so

Every morning
I walk to the mirror.
What is see is the reflection
Of a living body
It still alive
But refused to live

Then from then, until now
I kept telling myself
Be nice
Love everyone
Then i will be safe

It makes me somehow
Missing all places that i've ever been
Missing me.

Sometimes
I just want to go out
And speak as much as i want
As free as i like

It makes me somehow
Searching for a place
Where finally i can turn my boat backwards
Where i can say to myself,
Enough is enough
Now is the time
To stop sailing

To paint the true colors
Just because its beautiful
To found yourself and be with it

But
I still
Can't stop sailing
Until i feel like
Letting my paddles drowning
And let myself go.

Helpless Soul

I know you dont want any help.
But when your world going upside down, who do you think will come?
Calling out your name,
Embrace you tightly.

I know you dont want any help.
They said, sooner or later is the same,
You're gonna destroy yourself.
No matter they try to help you.
But when you feel like scattered apart,
Who do you think
Will cry with you?

I've run thousand steps
Just to find where you are
Just to reach you out
I've been falling down many times
With scars on my knee
And my dry tears

But when i finally see you
You still hide.
I dont know how to find you anymore.
You dont want any help.

Secrets

Secrets as high as the mountains.
The more you keep, the more you loose yourself.
Im drowning between them.
Its just too much to bear.

Secrets as wide as the sky.
Sometimes it betrays you.
Sometimes it is so loyal, it is loves you so much.
Its just too fragile to hold.

Secrets as much as the sand in the dessert.
It doesn't know how to protect itself.
Someone have to guard them. Yourself.
Its just too tiring to keep.

Take a minute to swim around them,
When you arrives in the edge, faraway from them,
Then breathe again. Take some times.

Before finally you have to go back to them again.

The Box

I see him brought a box everyday.
He always hold it tight, there on his hand.
I meet him everyday, but i dont have any reason to ask.

We were in the empty aisle, waiting for the long lift. It was eighteenth floors.
He didn't look at me. Usual routine.
Ding.
The lift comes. Its only two of us going down.

I look at him and my mouth moves by itself.
"What is the box for?"
He looked at me. I should stop saying something unmindful. He looked away.
"...It looks empty." I continued. I exhaled the breathe.

It was on the tenth floor.
"Feelings." He finally answered. "Just feelings, aside those from your heart."
I look to the front, peeking the floors number. It is fifth.
"How so?" I didn't look at him.

He inhale his breathe. I can't see his expression.
Ding.
Second floor. He push the open button. The lift wide open.
He took one step. Then he stops.
"You don't have any box, aren't you?"

Then he went away.
I standing still. Lift closed.

One, Two, Three

One, two, three, as i count to myself.
I see you there.
I wonder how i should act in front of you.
Maybe i would just quiet.

One, two, three.
I can read you there.
You certainly have the other side. The one that you've always embrace.
I still quiet.

One, two, three.
Oh, i hate your other side. He is dark as the shadow. Empty and shallow.
Meanwhile you are the bright, full of laugh, love much.
Is he alone?

One, two, three.
Its not like a mask. Its more like a helpless soul.
His steps are so careful, sneaking around you, behind your smile. It stays like that.
I finished counting.

I have enough.
Im gone.