Avalanche

We are sitting together in front of the coffee shop. I remember it was a hot, sunny day, and i dont know why we preferred to sit in front of the shop, where the heats hit on the street. He wipe away his sweat on his forehead, and standing. He then, suddenly, tell me how he miss his girlfriend.
"We are faraway now, you know. Different cities." He scratch his head and walked back and forth, back and forth.
"Well, its just a distance. You both can keep up." I answered.
"It's far. I can't be separated like this." He replied me with sad--more confused eyes.
"That is good. Tell her then. You can always tell.  Its easy."
"I just did." He finally got his calm. He sat down. Then he just realized something. He looked at me all of sudden.
"Well how about you? Don't you miss anyone now, somehow?"
I have to travel my mind into space for some minutes, trying to figured out who i missed. A lots of faces appears, but that does not help at all.
"No--wait." I said to him.
He still waiting for my answer.
"How if its like this." I stand, my back feels tired, guess i sit too long. "I would say that you are lucky. You have someone that you're really loves. And turns out she loves you too. You can just call or chat or whatever saying 'Hey i miss you--' kind of stuffs." I took a pause.
He opens his mouth, he just wanted to say something. Then he leave it like that. Now he looks like an idiot.
"Then," i continued, "Me. I just realized how hard it is to say that kind of stuffs, eventough i want to say it from the bottom of my heart, that i miss him more than anything, but you know what?"
"--what?" Finally he answered and he can close his mouth.
"I got no chance to say it. Maybe i would never say it at all for my whole life. Beside he is too far from me,"
"Then why don't you just try and say?" He cutted me.
I sit beside him.
"There is some things that is--i think, better left unsaid."
"Or you just too afraid to try. Or to knows what will happen next." He smiles. But not that kind of happy smiles. He is sad for me. And i dont want a pity from him, but thats exactly what i feel right now. Like im rolling inside the blanket of sadness covering me.
I know what i should answer. Maybe i just too afraid to try. Maybe because i wouldn't know his responses.  Maybe i really just afraid to--
"Those 'maybe, maybe' will definately kill you someday." He looked at me, like he can read my mind.
"Yeah." I looked at him right in the eyes. "I miss him. A lot. And that is hurt."
He laughs.
"Wether he feel the same thing with you or not, it will still aches. But because you're hiding right now, then its even hurt more. It is works like that, Angie. Feelings are powerful more than you can imagine. They works like that, you have to say it out, otherwise it aches."
I'm speechless. Thats the wisest answer that i've ever heard, always left me stunned when i remember it.

Human

He was looking to the night sky, pretend as if he could find Andromeda. He was leaning to the wall, and i can see slight lights on both of his eyes. Perhaps, like a Milky Way. Then i look up, gazing through the sky.
"I have a dream," he says.
"To runaway from human. From its people."
Im still searching for stars, all i can see is a total pitch black sky.
"And why?" I ask.
He sighed, like he is tired, but he wanted to explain things to me.
"Look at this way, they are beautiful creatures. Human are good in any ways, they have senses. They make senses. They are perfect. And disgusting."
I am still listening, as i thought he would continue his sentences, but he stops there.
"But you are a human, too." I reply him.
"Thats why i could think forever how to--possibly, you know, runaway from myself." He answered.
I look at him, those lights that supposed to be on his eyes disappears.
Now its pitch black.
Just the same as the sky.

Burgundy

A friend once said to me that she is so envy of me. Of my life. The fact that i can go anywhere around without people calling me back, or the fact that i have economical support for my journey. She wanted to be me all along. She wanted to be someone who seems like easy to get a total freedom.
Dear, let me tell you one secret.
We are human being, i bet in each person, there are a lots of times we wanted to be someone else but us. We wanted to steal the body or the life of the others. We think like, 'Oh i wish i can be like that.' so oftenly.
You know what its called? Jealousy. Enviousness. Insecurity. And other hundred words with the same meaning.
Dear, i also have my times when i want to be someone else. And the times are different.
When i want to travel to some dangerous countries, lets say India, or Brazil. Which is really beautiful countries, but also highly dangerous. I really want to be a guy. That i am stronger, more free, and simpler. I dont have to shower for days and nobody would ask why. I dont have to comb my wet hair, wish it will be dry by itself under the sun. I dont have to be afraid of jumping into some random groups full of strangers when im travelling. I dont have to be worried of where i can sleep. I can just put newspaper in the random bench in the park and randomly sleeping.
Remember those times in high school that i can also envy of my friend because she is so cute and pretty, that she can get any guys effortlessly?
And i do look at myself in the mirror with dissapointment that i cannot be like her. My hair is not her hair, neither my eyes, my nose, and other parts.
But seriously, listen.
Every human being is different. But, they are same beautiful, same precious.
You dont have to be someone else.
If you are envy about my freedom, i too, envy about the family of yours. How you have a perfect complete mother and father figure, someone that willing to get you to dinner or lunch together, or someone that you can rely on, or even nicer that when you are faraway from home, they will always call you back. Thats why its called as 'home', a place that wherever you go, you will always comeback there.
Yeah. I envy that you have a home.
And dear,
My home is a jail. It feels like a cage and only very few people knows it. I can't stand living in my own home, so i prefer to go. To escape from reality. All along my journey, i still have to carry my key to go home, and the fact that i have to go back to the cage somehow.
You never know, isn't it? If only you knew, then i doubt that you still want to be me.
All we can do is get jealous of other people, but also you have to realize, you are also beautiful. We are all beautiful.
You can't be happy if you still thinking how to be like other people. You are yourself, you are unique, and nobody is quite like you. You can be yourself, there will be nobody blaming you for that. I might be envy of that, too, because i found myself struggling within my 20 years life to be truly myself. Its hard.
Be fully you. Because nobody can be you.


P.S;
Psst, and most of the time, i envy your burgundy hair :p

Her Silence

Just listen to the silence,
Because she cant speak too loud
About things she wanted to tell
From long, long time

Just listen to the silence
Because once she speak, she will stop in half way
Because she will be full of doubts
Because she cant speak too much
She is afraid to spill it out
From long, long time

Just listen to the silence
When you think that
She is too quiet
But she is always up into something
She is always there, ready to listen to anybody
Who needs her

Just listen to the silence
Because perhaps she had been seeking for helps
That she never get
Because she might just give up
On everything
Because she wants to forget and erase
All the things she had enough

Just listen to the silence
Because she is difficult to understand
Does not mean that she dont want to be understood

Just listen to the silence
Because she needs someone to hear  her through
Her soundless cry
Her tired eyes
Or her invisible sadness
She needs to found a piece of happiness
Or else, she will be always silent

Just listen to the silence
That actually have echoes in it
Calling out here and there
And im sure
When you can actually hear her
And she finally find you
Who could listen to her silence
Only by then,
She will feel like the happiest person on earth.

Another Time

Its definately not now,
But

I think that
I might
I perhaps
Find you again, then
I will love you another time.

For You

Hey there, Granit.

Out of all the words that i usually say,
I want to say that
For me, hearing you laughing really means a lot.
It makes those things around alives.
So i hope you will laugh as loud as you can,
Hope that you still can keep your happiness inside
That will burst out like you usually do
With your laughs and smiles.

Hey there, Granit.
I would like to say that i kinda miss you everyday
Like there, there is Granit
And i would run approaches you with big, full smile on my face
That you would reply with the same smile
That i've seen thousand times, since long ago.

Hey there, Granit
You would not believe this, but
There are actually some days that i told the people stories about you
And i proudly say that
You are really matters for me.
And the people will start to curious
To know more about you
When they're asking me, what kind of person you are,
I would answer that,
You are like a sunshine.
Or like a sunflowers.
Bright, but
You just dont know how precious you are.

Hey there, Granit.
Remember the day you sit in front of me in the class?
That time i already decided
To extend my arms widely enough
To protect you
From any harms.
Eventough i failed for once.
Remember when you taught me Math
Which i dont really get it everytime
Because i just dont care about it.
Or you would told me a bunch of histories
Which i dont really listen
Because i just don't like history.
Or remember times to times you told me about planets
Like the moon, stars and the sea that you loves
The blue color of the sky, or the white line in the sky,
From airplane traces
And your favorite smell of the earth after the rains.
Simple little things. That i didn't really bothered.

Hey there, Granit.
Remember the day when we are already apart far away
Really, really far
And i brewed a cup of hot, sweet tea for my breakfast then streamed a morning news
I heard that the place where you lives just get a big earthquake
I put away my cup
And try to get myself to call
Which your number was not active.

Remember after i got your other numbers
Panically, call you afterwards
I finally hear your voice and
Its the most relieved feeling that i've ever feels.
Even after that you asked me why i being such a worried busy-body about you
That is a quite dumb question
Because knowing that you are fine,
Is a state of my bliss.

Hey there, Granit.
I won't say sorry, eventough
I did a lots of mistakes to you.
I did evil thoughts towards you.
Despite im a human
I also have dark side to be whole in myself
But i won't say sorry
Because if you are actually mad at me
I know i deserved it
But for some days, i have times of breakdown instead,
When you said its all okay
You are fine.
I dont have to worry.
Then you will say
Take care, be careful.

It makes me think
From that day
That i would loves you truly
As a human.
As a beautiful creature.
That i feel so blessed
To talk to you again
To be able to meet and
To see you again, frequently in between busy schedules
I feel so blessed, really.
To have you in my life.
Thank you for being there.

Hey there, Granit.
Maybe, maybe i just being such an egoistic
You can hate me for that
But
I did not really want you to change.
I did not really want you to disappears.
Which you will say that now
Games are faraway more important
Or
Your college friends are more important
But if i say that you are the most important person in this world for me,
And it never changes ever since the old days,
Then
Would you believe me?

Hey there, Granit
This might sounds weird
And i have to do double thinking for what i will say
But if i did not say it, i'm sure i will regret it
Like in the past, full of regrets
Full of griefs about what i've done wrong
So i will say it right now
Because i would never, ever, repeated it again.
And i promise myself that
I would never, ever, runaway from you again
Like i did before.

Three years ago, i was so careless
When you tried to call my name a lots of times already
Until you feel that your voices are wasted, and you only hurt your own throat uselessly
Then when you feel the call didn't work, you're trying to reach for a helping hand
Even just one from us,
Just one, that anybody actually can do easily, but
I still denied it
I leaved you hanging alone,
And didn't even help to catch you back when you're falling, hitting the ground,
Hard.

Hey there, Granit.
I would never asking you to open up yourself
Or to change yourself into someone that you are not
Or to be strong
And all the mainstream words people have said.
I just want to say that
Once in a while, everybody's hurt
Because of a lots of things
And once in a while, its okay to whining
As much as you can
Its okay to nagging around
Or even shouting to the sky
And cry as hard as you can
Take all the times you need
Just dont be
Concealed
Dont hide
Because if you keep hiding in your sanctuary
I might couldn't find you.
Then i will be a kind of wanderlust, searching for you.

Now, there there, all enough is enough
You just have to sit and rest
Throw all your unworthy feelings
Because now its my turn,
To try to put back your pieces that already scattered around like a broken mirror
Like a huge piles of puzzles, waiting to be a complete forms
To fix the cracked parts,
Of your heart that needs a super glue here and there,
To carry you in between the maze, for finding your ways again
To feel a little peace.
To walk along beside you whenever you feel alone walking just by yourself.
To always reminds you that,
You are loved.
To always hold both of your hands,
Tightly,
And embraces you back to be a whole.




Hey, Granit.
I won't leave you ever again.

Quiet

I might just simply waiting,
For somebody who
Found me in the worst condition
And still can say
Its enough of all those pretentious actions.
Its fine
Its okay to be myself.

Then i think
I will be free.

Bliss

What is actually happiness?
Its not something that you can see. Same as love, they said, you have to feel it.
Happiness can be as simple as food. For example, mine. Food can put me back in the mood. Street foods are. Or can be sweets, or chocolate. Or vanilla cupcakes. Or marshmallow dip to a mug full of hot chocolate. Or shared waffle with ice cream. Those all can makes me happy.
No, but im not going to talk about food stuff here.
As fresh as the flowers in the morning, feels that you can smell the scents from it. Like there, they are start to blooming in your garden. You can might be look at those colors, those petals, those softness.
As peaceful as the book. Remember those times you just buy a new book and the new papers smells great. It feels like you hug the world with every words on it.
It can be anywhere, but you couldn't find any better place than the garden with a book. You will have little chirping birds as your favorite voices. You know the feeling, when you laying on the grass and look at the blue sky and start to wondering the shape of the clouds.
As calm as the mountain and the beaches. You will tripped all over the journey, but once you get there, you wouldn't see any clearer sky than that. You might be would want to roll around in the sand, picking up those shells and hear the sea's singing. They sings good, or you think you wouldnt found any better voices than the voices of the earth with your echoes, on the top of the world. You can feel the wind really clearly. Those breezes will play with your hair, and the cold is kind enough with yourself.
Remember that times, when you light up your first fireworks? It sparks as you try to touch the sparkles out. Its like those ones in the sky, fly straightly and sparkles very bright, with all of those bright, wonderful colors, as your heart beats. It is wonderful.
The other times when you running? The world might hit you hard and you decided to wear your running shoes without any reason. The next minutes, you're already in the walkside of the river, running and finally sits alone waiting for the orange sky and the sunset goes down. Then you close your eyes and tell yourself repeatedly, eventually that things will get better. Then you start to sings, all loud with consciousness that your voice is ugly, but it makes your burdens sent to the sky.
I did stars-gazing one time. It is brilliant to have a lots of my precious people in the same roof, right below the night sky without any lights, hoping that there will be stars. Falling one will be beautiful, but the city lights make them invisible, so you just start share any stories around and hear back from them, in the dark. You would know who is talking from the voices without even look at the faces. Your eyes will stick to the dark sky, as the color is like a morning coffee in your paper glass. It is bitter and you can't see anything, but you feel them there.
See, there are so many types of happiness. I couldn't really define for myself, except the people that i have for now. They are full of kindness, toughtful, and very bright.
They loved me, for all those wrong things i did, they remind me without a doubt. They make a house to be a home whenever i want to runaway from myself. They are food-buddies, they dont mind eating a lots with me, forgetting the world for a while. They bring me to a places that i can feels of slight freedom, when i can jumping around and be myself. They are laughing loudly, bring me to the moment where i can feel their happiness spread to be mine.
Don't be afraid to be miserable. Those times when you finally walk together with them and tell each other the worst stories that you have for each month, that would be miserable. But you see, some of them would just laugh and tell you eventough its wrong, im a human. And thats can't be undone. All you can do is just feel stupid as much as you can, and then dance with them.
Now thats what i called happiness. You'd never feel as amazing as you meet those people around, side by side beside you.
Just like a paper dolls.

For the Beloved

I remember that day, one afternoon
In the beginning of July, the heat is amazing
I look at the sun
Waiting for you at the edge of station
As i feel happy
To see you again this time

Finally you come by
Calling my name from faraway
I see you waving from the other side
Laughing, as bright as the sunflowers

I remember the days
When i see you grow up
A bit by a bit
Mad because of few things
Cry because of another things
Laugh because so much things
I might be weird
To act like a mother for you
I love you like i have a child

When you talk
It feels the world is different stories
And then you would laugh whenever you said something dumb
And then you share another stories
About those things you loved
That might hurts you
Remember, remember, i said
That some of them might be unworthy to keep
You said, you know it.

When you speak, you speak of honesty
I see the lights on your big round eyes
Like there will be a lots of falling stars
Like a paint brush
When you're hurt, the way you see things would be different
It would be darker than ever

Im afraid that none of people would understand this kind of feeling
That im sure they will think weirdly
Of me and him
But
Its about the feeling that you wanted to protect
For those who are so precious yet so fragile
For those whose you'd wish to see keep smiling and laughing
Those who can keep dreaming and move forward
Those whose means a lots.
Those who can make you run uncontrollably to the hospital when they said they're sick.
Those who can force you to make a good soup eventough you can't really cook well.
Those who can make you remember the list of food that you can't eat.

Its the voice that you haven't heard for years
Its the song that you haven't sing together for years
Its the face that you haven't see for years
Its the hug that you haven't do for years

I love you, as one of my beloved
I love you, as i always pray that you will be happy
I love you, without any rules

I remember that day, when you finally had to leave
I have to see your back, you walk forward
Then you once looking back, smile at me
And waving again
As you left
Im thinking of the next times
That we will meet again someday
It would be the same
You will be full of laugh, life and love
And i will embrace you for all of that

Your happiness
Is my everything.

Answer

Some questions are not meant to be answered.
Maybe they can just be quiet.
Maybe they can speak, but not too loud.
Maybe they can tell, but they are lying.

Some questions are too tricky.
Some of them runaway wether without even answering, or change the questions itself.
Some of them are just stay quiet, trying to be humble.
Some of them are judgemental without a sound.
Some of them stabs.

Some questions are offending.
They can be hurt.
They can be a sweet reminder.
They can be the hidden facts.

But between those hundred types of questions,
There is actually some
Which is always sincere
Gentle,
And understanding
Whatever the answer is
Good or bad
They will be still there
Waiting, hoping with kindness

Still somehow, those questions oftenly leaves fast
Because those who can answer
Is the one who does not want to answer.