I have learned something really important these days.
I admits, that for twenty years of my life, i lived under the roof of mentally abusive family. All my family, including me, have a problem for anger management. Once we get angry, then all hell breaks loose.
I don't know who to blame when everybody yelling at each other, but once my Mom said that this is all a genetic from my Dad.
All i know is i live this way, i get used to it. First i thought i have to stand for myself, because nobody gonna catch my back. So i have to do all the things pretty much alone. Everytime i fight with one of my family members, at the very beginning i also yelled at them. Im not satisfy enough thinking that they're the only one who can yell.
By only then, they're always told me "Actually we all are really similar." (Referring to anger management thing).
I admit it. But they forgot one thing that is really important: our age gap is pretty far. My siblings are 14 years older than me. Yes, you don't misread it. 14 years older. So basically, you can imagine a 25 years old yelling shouting blaming me, which is 11 years old.
Im getting used to it. I thought, well maybe if i don't say anything, they will keep shouting for 5 minutes full and needs at least 30 minutes to finally calm down. You don't have to do anything, just stand there, bear your ears to listening to them because its what they want, and forget all the things they've said. That simple.
I find this very easy, but last time i keep my mute, they keep shooting down my ideas. My life. What i want to do. What college course i want to take. Where do i want to study. I have plans. They destroyed all of it, and end up asking me to get a job and whatnot after i graduate from the course and the university that they wanted.
Then, i realize one thing: words are very precious, but they don't have power anymore.
Since then, i have been really, really careful in choosing my words. Because of words, people judge. Because of words, people do stupid things. Some people does not even know what words can drive others into. Speak loud and without thinking is the basic behavior of human.
That is why i stop to speak. I don't have any urge to ask or explain. I answer what people ask straightly without any bonus or back-questions.
How are you?
I'm good, thank God.
What are you doing?
Gaming. (I don't play games all the time but i find it worthless to explain what i really do at the time)
Why you didn't reply me fast?
I'm busy. (Which is half a lie. Im actually busy, but in the other side i don't have capability to listening anymore. When someone needs you, they will come instantly. When they're happy, they left. They asked for help, i did it, they're done. I'm so confused what exactly they want.)
But no, i don't want their defenses. I know they love themselves so much as i love myself, but no, i just don't want to listen anymore. I'm lost at giving responses. Im afraid to give responses because it is not come from my heart. It is come from my brain, so that is why i might sounds like a customer service. Or a robot even.
If they're happy, should i?
If they're mad, should i?
I think maybe i need a little help here. Something to enlighten me about what i have to say. Because i'm really confused until it makes me crazier than before.
Its better to be mute. Its better to looks as normal as possible.
Words doesn't hurts. Nor it kills. But it's no longer powerful. Its oftenly left blank, without any meaning.
"Nothing in the world can bother you as much as your own mind, I tell you. In fact, others seem to be bothering you, but it is not others, it is your own mind."
-Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
